So... now what?
Well, I picked a hell of a month to start back on my newsletter, I guess.
My initial attempts of trying to make this work were a bit... overzealous, to be honest. Chalk it up to the ADHD ability to make big plans while forgetting your brain is a sack of meat floating in sugar water that doesn't have all of its dopamine receptors and as a result, you have hella executive dysfunction, which is hard to explain to normal people about why you struggle to do things like "take a shower" or "clean your kitchen" while simultaneously being able to knit 30 chickens in one night while also watching half a season of Star Trek: Voyager.
Needless to say, I had to restructure a bit to prevent my burnout from coming back in full after months of letting Ghost take $11 a month out of my account with no actual action.
Most of my past posts are now public. A couple will be remaining Members Only or locked away for any future paid subscribers to peruse, but you should be able to share with your friends now if you had a newsletter post you enjoyed in the past. Right now, the goal is to write at least one newsletter/blog a month and have playlists for all members both free and paid to enjoy as an extra incentive.
Of course, now is the big question is what the hell do I write about? Does anything I say matter? It feels like we're living at the threshold of Hell and that opening gets wider every day as some new fresh hell gets unveiled while some people seem to gleefully dance on it because who cares if it sucks them as long as those [insert whatever slur, they probably use them all] goes first.
I went to see my therapist last week before the inauguration and gave her a general update on my life as her dogs cuddled themselves against me. A friend of mine from my early 20s that I didn't have a chance to really catch up/make up with passed away suddenly back in December and it was fucking me up. Also, dealing with the malaise of living in the stupidest timeline. It was a weird talk overall, but she reminded me that I am a hopeless romantic that still inherently believes that being a human doesn't suck entirely and that I should hold onto that. And frankly, I needed that reminder.
Maybe it's naïve, but I hold onto the hope in my chest like a vice. Yeah, I wake up in fear for my trans and BIPOC friends and my own queer self every morning, but I know that any day we're still alive is a good one. And that by god, I have to outlive these assholes somehow, even if I won't live to see the Star Trek future.
Plus, I have to live to enjoy the things my friends who are gone are no longer here to enjoy.
To quote the now sadly late David Lynch in Catching The Big Fish: "We're supposed to have so much fun, like puppy dogs with our tails wagging. It's supposed to be great living; it's supposed to be fantastic."
I read that last week for the first time after he passed away and I'll be damned if it didn't immediately clock my own philosophy on life.
So this is my own corner of life to share, I guess. The music I love, the thoughts I have on things, the joy I'm trying to find with writing again. I'm not 100% certain what all this will be, but I guess we'll find out together.
